Grief = Loud (&silent) Love
I lost my father in November.
That sentence still feels surreal. Grief has a strange way of becoming part of your rhythm showing up in the silent moments, even though it’s truly the Loudest Love ever that you wish you could express.
I miss him every day. His words, his presence, his love… although often also mean, losing him was still a shift. A permanent one.
I’ve always loved big. When I care for people, I pour out, even to a fault.
Over time, I learned to hold parts of myself back afraid of being "too much," afraid of overwhelming others, or of making folk feel uncomfortable with how openly I love them. Truth is, after this that aint healthy, so now I do check my capacity, but at the same time I dont really care anymore. I consider perspectives, but if I got it , if I’m feeling it, Imma give it!
The world is full of people who don’t feel loved, walking around every day wondering if they matter. So when my dad died, I realized I can’t allow for anymore wondering, or overthinking. The way I loved him is the way I wanna love everyone. He was a safe space, I always said what I had to say, and he welcomed me in that way. Because I said everything I needed to say, the loss wasn’t as empty in the end. Every question I wanted answered, I asked, and everything I wanted to say I said, which gave me answers to questions in the end and I felt his reactions in real time in the ways I needed to.
I heard someone say once that grief is love with nowhere to go, and that stayed with me. It reminds me the ache I feel sometimes isn’t pain, it’s love. It’s the overflow of what I still want to say, still want to give, still want to feel, but can’t. Grief really is the love that’s left over, and I want to use every bit of it to love louder, more intentionally, and without hesitation, the people in my circle.
So that’s what I’m doing now. No more overthinking. No more waiting for the "right" moment. I’m loving people in real time. Even if it’s too much, even if they don’t know what to do with it, even if they can’t give it back the way I gave it. Because when I love, that’s the gift. If it’s returned, that’s just a blessing and a bonus, but I do want to be loved in return, but also remembered as someone who gave their love freely and fully. No matter what anyone says, whether they felt it , or not, if it was too intense or not enough, no one could deny that I loved on my people. It feels successful to me. It feels like purpose.
When I can no longer wrap my arms around some of the people I love the most, I know when I could, I did. They deserve it, and I deserve to give it.
Y’all take care. & I love y’all in real life!
— CP